A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'







Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace. Camilla flopped on the bed and said
'Please remove my shoes darling, one’s feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour but it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter’.
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:
'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'




A guy fell asleep on the beach in Florida for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,
but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.




My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies

Q. What do you get if you crossed the Atlantic with the Titanic?

ANS - About halfway

I saw a Muslim bloke on the balcony of his second story flat shaking his carpet over the railing. I yelled out to him, "What's the matter, Abdul, won't the bloody thing start?"

The first one story is really nice..

A frog walks into a bar at lunch time hops up onto the bar stool and orders a pint and pie. The bar tender is gobsmacked!
The frog says "yeah yeah, I know, a talking frog right? Get over it. I've put up with it all my life. I'll give you one day to gawk and stare and after that I just want to be treated like everyone else."
The bartender does his best impersonation of a fish, just opening and shutting his mouth for a few seconds but finally blurts out "Yep, fair request"
The frog finishes his pie and beer and leaves.

The frog shows up the next day around lunch time, hops up onto the bar stool down the end and orders a pint and a pie. The bartender and frog give each other a nod and go about their business.

This continues for a week and the bartender, being a bartender strikes up a conversation with the frog.
"So what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a plasterer. Doing up the inside of the old hospital round the corner."
"Big building, you'll be there for a while. Nice to know I'll be getting some regular business."
"Yeah you and your staff have been the nicest about me being a frog. Not snide comment about fly flavoured pies." The frog nods. "I'll definitely be coming back."

A few fridays later the frog mentions that this will be the last time he'll be at the pub because he's just doing the final touches on his plastering work.
"I tell you what. Come in tomorrow anyways and I'll let you have a slice of pie for free. You've been a respectful customer, you don't swear or smoke. You don't spill your drinks or touch up the waitresses like the other tradies, so I'd like to encourage more folks like you to come here."
"That's mighty nice of you, for sure I'll see you tomorrow."

Saturday lunch time and the frog hops up onto his usual bar stool down the end.
"Let me guess? A pie and a pint?"
"Jeez you've got a good memory mate"
"Hey while you're waiting there's someone I'd like you to meet. He's from the circus and he thinks he's got some easy work for you for good coin."
"Circus you say? As in Lions, Tigers and Bears oh my?"
"Yeah they've got some elephants and horses as well."
"Sorry still a little confused. A circus? Clowns and trapeze?"
"Yep"
"Big tent with a hole in the top?"
"Yep"
"What the bloody hell does he want with a plasterer?"

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

All of a sudden Kylie trips over and gets her head stuck between the railings.

Without a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-string and bonks her senseless!

When he finishes he turns to Elton and says,"Your turn".

Automatically Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

To which Elton sobs "My head won't fit through the railings".