not bad mate

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter
and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.



The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.



The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole
bread?'



The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'



The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'



The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.



The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the
Australian replied, 'of course.'



Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'



The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'



'We throw them away, of course!'



Now it was the Australians turn to smile.



'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

nice one Diva

was your sister not at home at the time then benny..

at least you know it was in jest only ..

i havent heard any decent jokes recently.

this one is from my local manx forum.

Finding a Chinese Jew



Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

nother.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in adalaide .
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, a one-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"


Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"


The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, benny, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"


The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina"

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play aussie rules and is suitably impressed

and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood. He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season. Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!



The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7

goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...



'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed,

your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and

all while you were having such great time.'



The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'



'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'

My funny joke:

Doctor implants a New Ear to a man.

Man: You idiot, you gave me a woman's ear

Doctor: It makes no difference

Man: It does,Now I hear everything

but understand nothing

Too true!!!