Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'


Broken coffee Table £239.99

Hot breakfast £4.20

Two aspirins £0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time:

PRICELESS

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE..



Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.


He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"


He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.


Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."


George said, "Okay."


He hung up the phone and counted to 30.


Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.


One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"


Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"



(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people

The girlfriend says to her boyfriend: "I don't think it's going to work out between you and I"
Boyfriend: "what do you mean?"
Girlfriend: "well, you're always pushing me around, talking behind my back..."
Boyfriend: "YOU'RE IN A ****ING WHEELCHAIR!!!"

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Trev, the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room..

They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."

The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.

The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.

The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?"

The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've got a couple of Kiwis laying the turf out front."

Did you hear about the gay, dyslexic physicist?

He got really excited when he heard about the large hardon collider.

Welcome to your IKEA interview. Please build yourself a chair and sit down.

South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa.While on holiday in Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Fkin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed, "We'd never get away with that at home!"

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Inspector’s funeral, a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:

"Too f*cking late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

**************

3 Jews Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were all close friends since childhood.
They decided they wanted to go into business together.

Schwartz says : "OK. I'll invest $100,000"
Cohen says that he'll put in $200,000
Ginsburg says : "Alright, I'll put in $5000"

Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000 I'll be the President and CEO of the corporation.
Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO.
Ginsburg, for your $5000 you will be our Sexual Adviser"

Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What's a Sexual Adviser ?"

Cohen replies, "When we want your f#*king advice, we'll ask for it.

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but faak me the pass the parcel was quick !