Who's more despicable … Bruce Bowen or Paris Hilton?
By Patrick Hruby
Page 2

Catch Phrase

Bowen: Lets his feet do the talking … from underneath opposing jump shooters

Hilton: "That's hot"

Edge: Hilton. Broken ankle not as bad as a thicket of dead neurons.


Hey, How'd That Happen?

Bowen: A karate kick between your legs

Hilton: Fire in your crotch

Edge: Even. Some types of pain can't be quantified.


Talents Best Appreciated

Bowen: On film

Hilton: On film

Edge: Even. Use freeze-frame, super slo-mo to see the really nasty stuff.


Totally Redundant

Bowen: Finished second in voting for NBA Defensive Player of the Year for three straight seasons

Hilton: Has a full-time publicist. Seriously

Edge: Hilton. Heck, why not hire personal paparazzi as well?


Not As Dirty As

Bowen: The mid-'90s New York Knicks

Hilton: Lindsay Lohan

Edge: Bowen. Knicks did permanent damage to the NBA; Lohan only doing permanent damage to her nasal capillaries.



Did You Know?

Bowen: Averaged 16 ppg as a Cal State Fullerton senior

Hilton: Actually earned a GED

Edge: Bowen. Kevin Federline has a GED, too.


Oh, The Irony!

Bowen: Puts opponents on the line, but is a terrible foul shooter (.570 career percentage)

Hilton: Teamed with Puffy Combs in 2004 get-the-kids-out-to-vote drive; did not vote or even register herself

Edge: Hilton. "Teamed with Puffy Combs." 'Nuff said.


You CANNOT Be Serious

Bowen: A former teammate once told SI.com that "if anything, Bruce is too nice … there's not a dirty bone in his body"

Hilton: Told Regis that "one-night stands are not for me"

Edge: Even. Oh, and the Iraqis will greet us a liberators. For sure.


Unexpected Brilliance

Bowen: Hasn't missed a game since 2002

Hilton: Once observed that "only fat people drink Diet Coke"

Edge: Hilton. Sorry America, but she's right.


Dream On

Bowen: "Bruce Bowen: Come Fly With Me" opens in IMAX theaters

Hilton: "House of Wax II" green-lighted, Anthony Minghella to direct

Edge: Even. And thank goodness.



Nice Work If You Can Get It

Bowen: Earned $3.75 million this season to help send the Phoenix Suns packing

Hilton: According to Forbes, earned $15.5 million over the last three years

Edge: Even. When they win, we all lose.


Semi-Redeeming Qualities

Bowen: Nice guy off the court; can knock down the open trey

Hilton: Hasn't released follow-up album; doesn't own 24-hour cable network. Yet

Edge: Hilton. There's really no redeeming "Stars Are Blind."


Personal Kryptonite

Bowen: Creating a shot

Hilton: Sidekicks, storage locker fees, speed limits, showing up to court on time

Edge: Hilton. Note to self: When the judge is already ticked, do not be late to scheduled hearing.


Grace Under Pressure

Bowen: Doing an admirable job against ascending LeBron

Hilton: IT'S NOT RIGHT! MOMMY! WAAAAHHHH!

Edge: Bowen. Though "grace" is not a word usually associated with either person.


Someone Ask For A Recount
Bowen: Undrafted in 1993, the same year Acie Earl, Rex Walters and Geert Hammik were picked in the first round

Hilton: In 2006 AP poll, voted second worst celebrity role model, behind Britney Spears

Edge: Hilton. Where did the AP poll take place, Florida?


Suggested Birthday Gift
Bowen: A copy of "Edward Scissorhands"

Hilton: A "Monopoly" get-out-of-jail-free card

Edge: Hilton. Though she'd probably attempt to use the card.


FINAL SCORE
No contest, as Hilton drubs Bowen 8-3. Pity that Hilton's probation violation can't be punished with a life sentence. Is it too late to start up an online petition?

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Page 2 here.